ivorythorns's Blog


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It's been a while since I've been on EP, things, things aren't so great with me right now and I didn't want to get all angst riddled here, but the very reason I joined was to heal so here goes nothing...Mama died.  Mama was my great grandmother but to me she was the only mother I ever knew.  I still can't believe it everything is so confused in my head.  She was the one that raised me, taught me how to cook, she was one of those people that loved with her entire being, a true honest love.  She was strong, wise, and so many more things than I can possibly put words to.  But she had lived her time, and she was ready to go and I respect that.  It's hard because I know she was ready to go, she told me time and time again and in the end she looked at me and I knew that it was time for her to go.  Sometimes I feel fine, its logical, rational, all things live and then they die, Mama lived a full life and she was happy in the end, she didn't deserve the pain though.  Imagine for a moment sitting beside someone's bed completely helpless to stop the sheer agony they are in...but there was no way I wouldn't have been there, nothing in this world would have pulled me away from her side that day.  I couldn't comfort anyone else though, usually I'm the strong one, the one who pulls through and moves on but I couldn't this time.  Mama's death meant more things for me than I thought I was ready for.  Gone, a void that makes the world seem a little bit grayer, I find it hard to smile, to laugh, but I know I should, know that she wanted me to move on.  She understood me when I  thought no one cared to understand me and she knew it would hurt me that's why she told me again and again.  She loved me, and that is something precious that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.  

I miss her though.

I miss how when she hugged me I felt completely at home.  I miss the smell of her perfume and the gentleness of her smile.  I miss that she could take something so simple and make me see that it was amazing.  I miss the assurance that she loved me no matter what.  I miss seeing her across the room, seeing her in her seat or staring out the window with the smile that told me that she was seeing more than someone's backyard.

I remember staying up late at night and watching Iron Sheaf or one of those cake decorating shows, I remember  listening to her telling me stories about her childhood.  I remember watching old black and white movies with her, she would tell me which actors she had thought were handsome.  Her stubborn will that I know I learned from her, the one that said 'I accept that you have an opinion but I'm going to do what I think is right.'  

For the last year she and I have known that she was fading, it was hard, to see her tall strong body begin to bend forward with the weight of age.  I used to help her out of the car and carry her things for her and when she'd lean on me she'd give me a smile and say 'It's not easy, this getting old thing.' before patting my arm her long strides reduced to a shuffling walk.  She was independent, she did things her way or no way but she loved and was loved by just about anyone she met.

In those last hours we had together she said something that I've never heard  - she said she was glad that I had come into her life.  She knew that I had never felt welcome in my family, but mama, mama was glad that I had come into her life- she welcomed me and some part of me knew it all along.  She loved me just as well as any mother could.  I would have done anything to make her happy and I realized that in the end that's exactly what I had done, when she died it was like opening my eyes.  I don't have to do this or that any more, I don't owe these people anything, they aren't the ones that I worried would be bothered by my actions.  I didn't want her to worry for anything, I wanted to protect her and give her peace in her last years.  So what now?  Now that she is gone now that there's a mama shaped void in my life, now that she's where she's wanted to be, no longer suffering, no longer in pain, given me in her last moments the closure that I didn't know I needed.  Now what?  I mourn and I move on?  Again? I live and I laugh, I continue, but I'm a bit quieter, my smile doesn't quite reach my eyes and I am more aware than ever of the distance between myself and the people I love.  I am aware that the way they treat me isn't right, I could ignore it before, but it's obvious now.

I'm human, a fragile yet resilient being.  I always had the idea that if someone offered their hand I would take it but that I wouldn't be upset if they didn't, but right now...I feel very alone.  Very unsure.  I could use a hug right now, but there's just me.  Me and the growing pile of tissues.

Signing off at 2:00 am...

Cooking drama

I love to cook, ever since I was a child I was in the kitchen learning my trade and when I cook I don't simply toss something in the oven and hope for the best.  I quite literally spend hours preparing for it.  This is one of the very few skills that I'm confident about.  So these last few years while my mom has been taking her masters course I've taken over the cooking.  Yet of course I couldn't possibly have done something by my own merit!  My stepfather just....grrr!  I spent hours on this meal- and it's bloody delicious (if I might say so) but can I get a simple 'thank you' from the man?  Nooooo he just starts insulting me out of no where!  Usually, if I do something that could have caused such a reaction I would own up to it but lately he's been treating all of us like verbal punching bags.  I couldn't even say anything back!  Treat your elders with respect, how dare you talk back to an adult, who do you think you are? 

Excuse me but I give respect where it is deserved and you have done very little in the last few years to deserve my respect.  Damn me for not being able to stand up for myself!  Why is it that the people you love are always the ones that strive so fucking hard to hurt you?

My good mood ruined.

Is it...?

Is it possible to describe a person based on the type of food they eat?

It's an odd question I know but before anyone thinks that I'm crazy please allow me to explain.  Recently I went to starbucks and tried their Vanilla latte, it was frankly put disgusting.  Too bland not powerful enough at all for me.  So I was talking to a friend about it and she told me 'dude, did you really think you would like it?  Vanilla...seriously you?"  Now I was a bit offended mostly because I'm dense as all hell and didn't realize that she was using the word vanilla with a double meaning.  Sooo I said something to the effect of 'wtf?'  And she told me, 'You like your men like you like your coffee, bold, strong, and bitter sweet."  I said 'ooookay I guess that makes sense...' and then she said this: 'you also like extremely spicy food- which implies you like a certain amount of pain- ' To which I blushed '-and you also like food from nearly every nationality, which implies that you could care less what race your man is.'  Which is was a very odd moment, who thought that you could describe a person's taste in men via the type of food they eat? Huh...anyway I thought I'd share that moment, I don't know if this would apply to anyone else's life but damn she was spot on...*shakes head* anyway if your an espresso drinker like I am i don't suggest the Vanilla latte...and I got a Venti too... :(


I have itchy feet...all day all I've wanted to do was get up and run, run, run, I kept wanting to travel too for some reason, when I was younger my mom and I used to travel frequently and saw all sorts of beautiful things and all I could think about were the beautiful things that I hadn't seen yet.  I want to go see the rolling hills of Scotland or the bazar's in Egypt, I want to hike until I can't breath or hang glide across the sky.  There are so many things that I want to do right now....but I'm a poor college student and the economy sucks right now.  I do what I can, I went to big bear recently and we went on a hike in the snow which was fun, and I want to the desert hot springs which I'm serious the water is like weed it mellows you out like Valium. ( I don't take drugs btw that was just a comparison lol.)  Anyway I want to go to Thai land too, Japan, Korea...Berlin, wouldn't it be amazing if the UN passed a mutual agreement to fund a program for college students to travel the world as a way of promoting peace?  I'm telling you I learned more through the few traveling experiences that I've had than I ever learned in my life skills class.  I learned a crash course on sewing when my dress tour while we were climbing a mountain to see waterfalls, I saw first hand how blessed we are in the US when I saw children begging on the side of the streets, I learned that you can never know if your missing out on something truly awesome if you're too afraid to try it when I went zip lining.  I learned how to keep calm even when swimming in the middle of the ocean in a sudden summer storm- tell me did any of you learn anything like that in school?  Lol anyway I'm off to look at pictures of a world I'm too poor to visit in real life!


Today's blog is mostly about something that's going on in my life that is really bothering me.  Earlier this week a girl I know who's about twelve came to me and asked if we could talk.  I of course said yes, I've made it a point these last few years to let the other kids in our church know that I'm open to talk to if they need to.  It's one of those things that everyone knows but doesn't talk about because they have a hard time accepting that I have as open a mind as I do.  Anyway this girl came to me because she realized that she was attracted to another girl.  She was terrified of her parents.  It hurt to watch.  I grew up in the world she is afraid of, where parents will disown their kids for not fitting into the mould that they think is best.  I won't go into details because this was a problem she entrusted me with but never in my life have I been so furious.  How could someone say that they hated their own child?  How could someone call their child a freak?  And I'm not just speaking about this one girl.  After she came to me and I helped her three more kids came to me because they were too afraid of their parents.  AFRAID of their parents.  Damn it all but it pisses me off!  How dare they attack their  own children this way?

Now anyone who knows me knows that it takes quite a bit to piss me off, I generally don't let things get to me, but my dear readers on EP there are certain things that I will not tolerate and destroying a child the way these people were doing...Suffice to say there were words between myself and the parents of these children.  I don't quite remember what I said I was so angry but...weeeell...they can't quite look me in the eye any more.

Now the main point I wanted to get to was this: why?  I know it isn't just my church, I've seen it too much in my life, in fact one of my dear friends nearly ended her life because of the things her parents were doing to her because she admitted to being a lesbian.  Why?  Why would anyone want to hurt another person so much simply because they are gay?  I'm straight and I've grown up in a conservative christian family so you can't bring that nature vs Nurture bullshite to me.  Why would anyone hate another person because of a choice they've made on their own terms as is their right?  Why do we have boys who are beaten and bullied because they like to wear makeup?  Why do we have girls that are tormented because they like to play football and wear jeans?  How can a person treat another person with disgust because they are different?  Fuck I'm so tired of a world where people have to hide what they are for the delicate sensibilities of another!  Sure there are agencies to help these children, but the damage is done, the people they were supposed to be able to rely on no matter what failed them.  

I'm going to stop growling now...wait one more thing- DON'T FUCK WITH MY CHILDREN!- even if they aren't exactly mine...rawer

What did you do today?

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Ello all

So I tried ZzzQuil last night, I had work this morning and after three days of no sleep I knew I had to take something or I wouldn't be able to sleep (I have horrible insomnia).  I was kind of iffy about it from the start because I personally make a point of not taking anything that might be habit forming or addictive, but I decided I might as well sleep a few hours before work.  I took it at around ten thirty and was kinda sitting there wondering when it was going to kick in if it was going to work at all.  So I'm laying there is it going to work?  Is it going to work?  I'm still wide awake...Looking at the clock staring at the ceiling then BAM! I knock out cold.  Down side is that I slept so deeply and so soundly that I didn't move all night and had a wicked kink in my neck and shoulders this morning- I couldn't seem to wake up either which meant I had to down at least three cups of coffee before I was even remotely capable of thought.  I didn't have school though so after work I came home and knocked out again to sleep it off, still bloody tired here though.

On another note I watched a movie with my sis yesterday- and today actually...We watched the Lorax today it was my first time seeing it, it was pretty darn cuteIt actually made me want to plant a tree...I also had a a question, since we are in a technologically advanced world in which we use i-pads and netbooks etc for a majority of our conversations even at work, are we using less paper?  For example my youngest sis's school replaced all books with tablets and has most essays written via computer and sent via e-mail, very little paper is being used.  If we did this with all the schools  and perhaps all businesses can you imagine how much paper we would save?

 However, would the process of making tablets in the end cause more chemical waste?  And would the amount of ink saved from printers (which are being used less and less due to the use of tablets etc) make up for that chemical waste?

It's something I'm curious about- I'd like opinions or info please?

Aside from that I highly recommend watching the movie Equilibrium I enjoyed it greatly.

Here is the trailer if you're interested!


Anyway that's all for now folks!

Man of the day: Viggo Mortensen

This man is such a great actor lol, I was just watching some of the Lord of the Ring interviews and I couldn't stop laughing!

Viggo take 1 The Kiss

Take 2: Viggo Injured; Orlando cracks a rib


Headbutt!  Ahahahahahaaa!


Anyway I thought Viggo was awesome I can't wait to see more acting from him- can't wait to see Les Miserables either it was one of my favorite books when I was young.  Ahhh well my two cents for the day *grin*

Random blog about Adam Lambert

For any one that is interested that hasn't heard Adam Lambert's song Underneath I highly suggest it, I can't imagine how hard it would have been for him to write this song, to be that honest and know that anyone could hear it.  Of course I suppose this is just coming from someone who's become a recent fan but I think he's the kind of person we can look up to for having the guts to be himself in front of such a judgmental world.  I didn't actually hear about him when he was on American Idol, one of my friends showed me his music video 'For Your Entertainment' and understandably I was hooked.
Hopefully the video comes out alright!

Feeling Better

I just got back from desert Hot Springs, I did some serious deep thinking about who I am and who I want to be. Thought I'd share a bit since this has become sort of a venting place for me and that is something I wanted to change.  I want to be the girl that I was when I didn't let my family control me, slowly over the years I've been doing that but I'm not quite free yet.  I realized just recently that I was the only one fighting truly fighting to maintain a relationship with them- it was all give and no take.  I realized after my last pathetic attempt at a romantic relationship  that my need to simply give in nearly cost me the few precious friends that I do have.  I need to lay down lines for myself, I need to stop allowing people to cross the lines that I do set up, I've learned that if a person truly loves you then they won't try to change you.  I'm not perfect, I cry, I get furious, I want to run for miles and miles, I love a good thunderstorm, I'm not scared of the dark and I've faced death with open eyes.  I love to dance randomly and sing off key or on key, I love roller coasters and laugh deeply and whole heartily when I get the chance, I love to see my friends and even my enemies happy- an believe it or not this isn't a creigs list ad- lol.  The point is that my most recent challenges which I've set for myself are finally for me.  I made a promise once to protect a certain person and to keep her happy no matter what, but she is happy now, she has found her place in the world, she has found someone who can take my place and make her happy- now it's my turn.

2013- unlucky number lol, I was born on the 13th eat that fate!

Happy (belated) new year!

Screwed in the head.

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Three Indian dudes

Sounds like the beginning of a great joke actually, but no, something amusing happened and i felt like reporting.

i was on the way to the ladies room and three Indian dudes walked by, stopped and began serenading me in harmony- they were pretty good!  I just thought this was amusing and decided to share, apparently they were advertizing for a CD they were promoting lol pretty good day!

My Vent

I saw my crush today. 

It feels weird to think about someone romantically any more, I keep feeling like I'm somehow fractured.  I feel like I'm incapable of holding on to emotions for very long- or really feeling anything at all.  I go through out my day in a sort of critical clarity, I see things, emotions, people, interactions and they are processed and turned over in my mind but with a sort of detachment that makes me wonder if I'm even whole any more.  But when I see this person, this anomaly if you will, I feel a jolt of reality.  Like I'm capable of feeling for just that moment before I look away in embarrassment and try to pass it off as a fluke. 

I think a part of it is a struggle I've been facing lately, all I've done my entire life is watch people I love suffer long and painful deaths- literally.  I feel tired, bone weary.  I guard myself from the very people I should be able to trust because they are not trustworthy and they will hit a nerve if given the chance.  I distance myself from people in general and quite literally have to force myself to communicate with them.  I shouldn't have to hate the people I love and yet they constantly do and say things to hurt or control me.  But what can I do when the one person I do love and trust lives with them and is dying slowly.  I want to spend every moment that I can with the woman who raised me and loved me no matter my flaws because I know just how precious those moments will be when she is gone.  Every time we say good bye now we say it knowing that I might not see her again, that it might be the last time I see her.  She's in pain, she wants to go and I am helpless to do anything, again.  I think that when she does go I should start over, a new place, new faces- a peaceful place where I can heal.  Heck maybe I'll finally go to a shrink like I keep saying I will.

That was a lot considering I started out on a happier note.  My crush is a truly beautiful person and I am not, depressing blog yeah?  Oh well!  Hopefully I'll post again soon!


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Being sick sucks.

Yuuup I'm sick...not quite sure what it is but it feels like a combination of a sinus infection and Bronchitis I've had both before so I'm pretty sure that's what it is but I really hate going to the doctor so I've been putting it off for several days. 

Theriflu is amazing by the way...

yuuup I've been stuck at home sick for four days with nothing to do but to feel bad for my sorry sick self...and thus I write here as an admirable effort to stave off the insatiable boredom that threatens to consume me. 

I dyed my hair by the way- well rather my sister dyed it- I am now a platinum blond.  Surprisingly it actually looks natural- actually I look like one of the elves from the Lord of the Rings as one of my other sisters pointed out- which isn't so bad I suppose since they were rather pretty. Hehe my ego rears her lovely head...

Sorry for the rambling by the way it must be the fever talking...

Hmmm I think I'll keep this hair color, I thought it would make me look washed out because of my already fair colored skin (aka I am white) but it didn't.

Yup...I'm bored...

OOOOhhhh in case anyone has actually been as bored as me and has read what I've written so far, I have some necklaces that I inherited from a blood relative, I hadn't really thought about them recently because I was going through a bunch of other stuff and they got put to the side. Anyway they were covered in semi-precious stones that had been glued on.  The woman who left them to me believed in healing energies and protective powers that different stones contain, she left them to me in hopes that they would protect me sounds a bit odd to me but still I'm a big fan of respecting the wishes of those who have died.  Sooo I wanted to remove the stones and put them into a leather pouch to carry with me (as she instructed that I should) but I don't know how to remove the stones from the glue without damaging them.  Any ideas?

Let me know please!



I decided as part of my new years resolution last year to push the past behind me where it belongs and focus on the future.  Honestly the words make it all sound so easy but it hasn't been at all.  I refuse to let what others did to me rule my life and I refuse to let myself crash again and again. So what I did was become the player rather than the pawn.  It's taken me nearly a year but I've managed to compartmentalize my emotions enough for me to be able to control them and myself in any given situation.  Last year I hated the person in the mirror, I couldn't stand her, now I avoid her and accept her, I have to.  If I look in the mirror and agree with all the things they've said then I'm giving them a power they don't deserve.  Apathy is key.  I only let those who I am absolutely certain that I can trust close enough to allow for weakness.  I only accept demands when I am certain that the power is not being abused, slowly my relationships with those few whom I trust have grown and become irreplaceable.  I have never been a very social creature by nature yet I find it easier to converse with others as of late. Whenever I'm feeling like I'm about to crash I go to one of my precious friends, 'do this' they say, its always something simple and always there is an open invitation to refuse but with them I find that I don't want to.  I know that they won't take advantage of me, I've never had that before.  It's amazing, liberating and for the first time I feel nearly stable.

When I wake up in the middle of the night screaming silently, for the first time I don't feel alone because I know that just a few rooms over is someone who would comfort me if I asked, they aren't romantic relationships, but they feel deeper than anything I've felt before like a sister or a brother I suppose.  Anyway I just felt like writing since I had a little time and I haven't updated for a while.

Hope everyone's day is wonderful!

1-13 of 13 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Pet?, posted September 27th, 2013
Mama, posted March 17th, 2013
Cooking drama, posted January 14th, 2013
Is it...?, posted January 13th, 2013
Travel, posted January 12th, 2013
Vent, posted January 11th, 2013
What did you do today?, posted January 8th, 2013
Ello all, posted January 7th, 2013
Man of the day: Viggo Mortensen, posted January 6th, 2013
Random blog about Adam Lambert, posted January 5th, 2013
Feeling Better, posted January 4th, 2013
Screwed in the head., posted June 10th, 2012
Three Indian dudes, posted April 17th, 2012
My Vent, posted April 10th, 2012
Mozart, posted April 8th, 2012
Being sick sucks., posted December 11th, 2011
Lately..., posted October 29th, 2011

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